


Free To A Good Home

by ButterflyGhost



Category: due South
Genre: Fluff, Gen, anti angst, cuteness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-14
Updated: 2013-02-14
Packaged: 2017-11-29 07:35:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/684440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ButterflyGhost/pseuds/ButterflyGhost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray finds himself the unwilling target of female affection.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Free To A Good Home

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [It's Puppy Love](https://archiveofourown.org/works/639699) by [look_turtles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/look_turtles/pseuds/look_turtles). 



Frannie loved her brother, but even though she was glad he was home, he was beginning to annoy her.

 

“I mean,” she told Elaine over the phone, “I know he’s got his reasons. He’s been shot, he’s been undercover a whole year being tortured by frogs…”

 

Whatever Elaine said sounded suspiciously as though coffee was spurting out of her nose.

 

“Don’t laugh, you know what I mean. I mean, he’s had a really hard time. But…” she sighed. “Why does he have to take it out on a helpless dog?”

 

Elaine couldn’t explain it either.

 

“Ante’s just so cute, I mean, you’ve met her. She’s the cutest dog in the whole wide world. Apart from Diefenbaker, and he’s a wolf, so it’s not the same. But Ray just doesn’t get how cute Ante is. Do you know what he said this morning?”

 

Elaine didn’t know – not surprising, really, since she was out arresting criminals on the far side of Chicago at the time.

 

“He came in for breakfast, blamed Ante when he tripped over her, and said…” Frannie paused for dramatic impact. “Said, ‘that’s not a dog, that’s a canine pom pom.’”

 

Elaine sounded suitably appalled.

 

“I mean, poor Ante!” Frannie sniffed, thinking of her dog’s wounded reputation. “She thinks the world of Ray. He hurt her feelings.” And his knee, not that Frannie was telling Elaine that. Frannie was not going to feel guilty if Ray bashed his knee because he didn’t look where he was going, even if, really, it was sort of Ante’s fault for jumping in his face when he came through the door. It was only because Ante was excited to see him after all. Yet more proof that Ante was a lovely dog, and her brother was a heartless monster when it came to animals.

 

 _At least,_ she thought, as she finished her conversation and her coffee break, _Elaine understands._ _Men,_ she thought, as Harding yelled for a file, not even bothering to say ‘please,’ _men are hopeless. They don’t understand at all._

~*~

“I swear, Ma, that dog hates me.”

 

“She doesn’t hate you, Raimondo. In fact…” Ma paused, and looked at Ante, affectionately. “In fact, I think she’s very fond of you. She follows you everywhere.”

 

“That’s because she’s waiting to get me alone. Then she’ll do… whatever it is she’s planning to do.” Ray scowled at the four legged feather-duster that called itself Frannie’s pet. “She’ll get me in a corner, wait till there are no witnesses, and then she’ll eat me. Seriously, there aren’t enough donuts in Chicago – does that dog ever stop eating?”

 

“She’s hungry. She’s a growing girl.”

 

“Yeah, she’s growing sideways. Frannie should put her on a diet.”

 

“Well, Raimondo, if you want to tell Frannie that her dog is fat, I’ll pray for you.”

 

“Ma! You have to help me! I’m not the only one who sees it. Even the poor dog must have noticed by now. Frannie puts the leash on her to take her for a walk, I swear that dog looks back at me saying, ‘does my bum look big in this?’”

 

“Well, I’m not telling Frannie to put Ante on a diet. You’re the man of the house, you do it.”

 

Ray threw his hands up in despair.  Women. They ganged up together.

 

_Fine. I’ll tell Frannie myself._

~*~

 

 

Nice Frannie was crying in the bathroom. Grumpy Ray was sitting at the bottom of the stairs, looking… well… grumpy. Grumpy and glum. Grumpy Ray was very nice, when he wasn’t grumpy or glum, because he smelled like Frannie, only male, and he didn’t smell mean, even though he pretended to be. But right now he was grumpy and glum, so Ante decided to cheer him up by licking him. It had never worked yet, but today might be the day.

 

It didn’t work. Ray pushed her off him, and went _‘euwh.’_ Ante felt her tail drop between her legs, and she whined.

 

Grumpy Ray gave her a grumpy look, then sighed. “Hey, it’s not your fault, Mutt,” he said. “And at least she makes you eat those mint things, so you’ve got better breath than Dief.”

 

Ante’s tail wagged at the mention of Dief.

 

“I suppose you miss him too?”

 

Ante rolled on her back, and waved her legs in the air. Grumpy Ray looked a little less grumpy as he scratched her belly.

 

“Jeez, you really are getting fat,” he said.

 

Frannie let off another wail in the bathroom. “I heard that!”

 

Ray groaned, and slapped his face. Ante felt sorry for him – silly human, that must hurt – and bounced back up to lick him better. This time he let her, and only made a little _‘euwh’_ sound.

 

They were getting somewhere.  Ante was confident that her famous charm would win Ray’s heart. She was certainly going to try.

~*~

 

 

“Honest to God, Frannie, she’s gonna drive me mad! Bad enough she won’t stop following me around, now she’s living under my bed! Get her outta there!”

 

“Well, it’s not my fault. How do you think I feel? She’s my dog, and she loves you more.”

 

“She doesn’t love me more! She hates me. She’s trying to ruin my life. It’s not enough for her to cover the whole house with fur, or sit begging when I’m trying to eat lasagne – now she’s gotta take over my bedroom.”

 

“Well, don’t blame me. I think she misses Dief.”

 

“Great, well. Ship her off the Yukon. They can get married and frolic together beneath the Northern Lights. Howl their heads off – just not under my bed!”

 

“You are so mean!”

 

“And your dog is so annoying. Have you seen what she’s done to my carpet? Oh my GOD! Have you seen what she’s done to my sheets? She’s dragged the damn pillows off! What’s she doing in there, making a den?”

 

“Ray?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“There’s a wet patch on the floor.”

 

“Well, don’t look at me. God, you’re as bad as Ma. It was one time, I was seven, it was an accident…”

 

“I don’t mean that. I mean… uh oh.”

 

“Uh oh what?”

 

“Ray… I think she’s… I think her waters broke.”

 

“MA!!!”

~*~

 

 

“Yeah, Benny… I got some news for you. I mean, good news. I thought you should know…”

 

As always, I’m delighted to hear from my friend, but this is a more bewildering call than usual. For one thing, it is at three o clock in the morning. Ray would normally be asleep. He certainly sounds tired – a little dazed perhaps. For another thing, there are some very peculiar noises in the background. Little whimpers, and snuffles, and what sounds like Frannie, crying.

 

“News?” I speak cautiously. “You’re sure it’s good news?”

 

“Yeah, yeah – it’s – well, it’s weird news. But not that weird – I mean – weirder things have happened. And I suppose it happened the traditional way. Just – no accounting for taste. I wouldn’t have thought she was Dief’s type.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“I mean – it musta been Dief. At first I was just counting them as they came out, you know. Like with Russian dolls, when you open them up and think, ‘how do they fit them all in there?’ Or… well, you know what I mean.”

 

“I’m afraid I haven’t got any idea what you’re talking about.”

 

“Oh. Well… I meant, at first I was just thinking, ‘holy shit, how many more does she have in there…’ seven, if you’re interested. And then I realised who they looked like. I mean, as much as a bald rat thing can look like anything…”

 

In the background, I hear Frannie wailing, _‘Ray!’_

 

“Sorry, Sis, I don’t mean they look like rats. I mean, baby rats are probably really ugly compared to…”

 

_‘Ray!’_

 

“Sorry!!! Uhm… yeah, Benny. What was I talking about?”

 

“I don’t know,” I tell him, though I’m beginning to form suspicions.

 

“Oh yeah… anyway. She stopped at seven, and she’s fine now. But the babies all have those curly little tails… No, Frannie! Don’t start crying again! I did not say they looked like pigs!”

 

“Ray, get to the point,” I snap.

 

“Yeah, well, if you look at ‘em, they look a lot more wolfish than they do poodlish.”

 

“You’re saying Frannie’s dog has had puppies?”

 

“Yeah.” He sounds like he’s grinning. “Yeah, Benny. You’re a grandfather. We have Diefenpoodles.”

~*~

 

 

The child at the front door looks rather forlorn as I shoo her away. “I’m sorry,” I tell her. “We took the sign down weeks ago. All the puppies have homes.”

 

“But, Mrs Vecchio,” the little girl says. “I saw your son walking one of them earlier today. And, it was so little, and so cute, and I love doggies, and I’d be ever so good to it…”

 

“Marissa,” I tell her gently, “puppies don’t stay little. They grow up, and get big, and run around doing silly things and making a mess.”

 

“I don’t care. I’d look after him.”

 

“I know you would,” I say. _She’ll be a very good mother one day, with that attitude._ “But we don’t need any more homes.”

 

“What about the dog I saw your son walking?”

 

“Ah, well. That’s his dog.”

 

Marissa looks puzzled. “I thought he didn’t like dogs.”

 

“Well, you thought wrong.”

 

She sighs again. “Okay, Mrs Vecchio. Thanks anyway.” She runs off, no doubt to beg her parents to buy a cat.

 

Half an hour later the front door opens. Frannie, Ray and Benton have been walking their dogs in the park.

 

“Frannie, you gotta teach a dog who’s boss. Ante’s gonna think she’s the alpha. Come on, Benny, back me up here.”

 

“Well, I’m sure you’re right Ray, but –”

 

“Don’t give me ‘but.’ It’s common sense. When you throw the stick, you're supposed to let the dog get it.”

 

Benton tries to say something, but Frannie talks over him.

 

“I was just trying to show her what to do.”

 

“Frannie, that dog knows exactly what to do. Watch you throw a stick and chase it all over the park. It’s like going to the movies for them. She musta sold tickets – every dog in that park was laughing their ass off at you.”

 

“Well, you’re no better.” Frannie sniffs. “You’re supposed to take a dog for a walk, not carry him everywhere. You agree with me, don’t you, Frase?”

 

“Well, of course, but…”

 

“See? Fraser agrees with me.”

 

“Hey, leave the man alone. He’s come all the way from the North Pole to visit his grandchildren, and what does he get? An earful of yammering Frannie…”

 

“You’re just being mean because you know I’m right. Jefferson’s quite old enough to walk. You don’t have to pick him up every time he pretends to be tired.”

 

“He wasn’t pretending!”

 

“Look, you’re carrying him now. You’d think he was a baby.”

 

“Oh, shut up. Don’t listen to her, Jeff. You’re very manly.”

 

“He’s a poodle.”

 

“He’s a wolf.”

 

“Poodle.”

 

“Wolf.”

 

I sigh, raise my eyes to the ceiling. _Lord,_ I tell Him, _I love my children, but will they ever grow up?_

 

“Poodle.”

 

“Wolf.”

 

It would appear that the answer is ‘no.’

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Come on, after all the angst I've put RayV through recently, it was about time I wrote something funny for him. 
> 
> And, er... somehow I've written a post COTW story without RayK. My son is concerned for my health, and has been looking out the window to see if it's raining blood yet, in advance of the coming apocalypse.
> 
> Don't worry - I'm sure RayK is fine. He's just got enough sense not to get involved in a Vecchio siblings debate. 
> 
> Whatever, enjoy.


End file.
